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Separation and how to help your child
Divorce/ separation and conflict
How to help children deal with divorce or separation
Separation may involve bad feelings between the parents and their families. Children can pick up on this, which may make them confused or unhappy – or even blame themselves for a break-up.
Most children do come to terms with their parents’ separation and adjust to changes in family life. But it can take months or even years. You and your child's other parent may discover different needs from your child at different times. When this happens, let each other know. You have a better chance of meeting your child's needs if you share your ideas.
Understanding your child's needs and behaviour
Your child’s needs will change as they adjust to your separation, so trying to understand their needs is going to be an ongoing process. This is true whether your child is very young, teenage or even grown up.
Trying to understand their needs will help your child feel secure and loved, listened to and understood. It will put them in a good position to benefit from the positive experiences that being a part of two homes can bring with it.
Tips to ease adjustment
Your child may benefit from the following suggestions when you separate, and for months and years afterwards:
- Let them know how things will change for them as soon as you can. Explain changes in language your child will understand.
- Think through questions your child may ask and how you can best answer them. If you talk to your child’s other parent about this it can prevent you contradicting each other.
- As your child adjusts to two homes, help them know what’s acceptable and what isn’t in each household so they feel secure.
- Listen to your child with your eyes as well as your ears. What are they “showing” you in their behaviours?
- Keep routines and activities consistent, again to help your child feel secure.
- Protect your child from hearing you speak badly of their other parent, or talking about details of your separation. You might consider asking your family to do this too.
- Listening to your child
One of the best ways you can help support your children’s needs is by listening to them and being resilient enough to cope with their emotions. This will help show them that they can talk to you about how they’re feeling. Consider the list of emotions and behaviours below:
Anger
Upset/crying
Moody/withdrawn
Blaming
Resentment
Write down:
How your children ‘show’ you these emotions in their words or behaviours
How you’ve reacted when your child has expressed these in the past.
What response you would find comforting or helpful if you felt the above emotions and behaviours?
What do you notice about your answers for 1, 2 and 3?
What would you change about how you respond to your children emotions and behaviours in the future?
Understanding your child’s behaviour
Your child needs time to grieve the loss of you and their other parent being together. Sometimes this can take many years. You need to find ways to support them and help them cope with their emotions as they adjust at their own pace.
They may at different times feel upset, frustrated, rejected or angry. They may express this by crying, being silent or hitting out. These are just some examples though. Your child may feel a range of emotions and express them in many different ways in the weeks, months and years that follow your separation.
It’s important to remember that a change in feelings may always lie behind a change in behaviour. So you need to try to deal with the feelings, not just the behaviour.
Tips for managing change
If you notice changes in your child’s behaviour, or how they interact with others, the following may help you support your child:
Talk to your child’s childminder, nursery or school about what’s happening.
Talk to your child’s other parent and explore how you can work together to support them.
Allow your child’s social life with friends and family to continue at both houses.
Talk to your child about their feelings.
Keep to routines and be consistent with punishments and rewards. It can be tempting to let things slide if you’re feeling guilty, but this may confuse your child.
Try to remain calm and avoid showing extreme anger or upset. This may add to your child’s worry. If you need time out, just ask for it.
Continue to reassure your child that you love them and the separation isn’t their fault.
Understanding the feelings behind your child’s behaviour
It’s easy to see the behaviour that is worrying you, such as your child being argumentative, or easily upset. It’s not so easy to see what thoughts and feelings are behind this worrying behaviour. Your child may not understand their own behaviour either.
Think about the behaviour that is concerning you; what feelings does your child seem to be expressing?
Help your child to talk about this feeling, and make connections with their behaviour, by talking about your own feelings, eg “when I’m feeling angry I sometimes pace up and down until I feel better – what do you do?”
With your child, or as a family, write a feeling down in the middle of the page. Around this feeling write or draw different thing that can cause this feeling. It’s best if everyone contributes at least one suggestion. Eg sadness: when the cat died; when my friend moved school; when Dad moved out…
Encourage your children to talk about how they feel; don’t push them to talk if they don’t want to say a lot, but be ready to listen if they want to talk about it another time.
Children’s reactions at different ages
Your children may react in many ways to your separation. Their reactions will be unique to them, but the information below will give you some ideas of what to expect and how you can help your children adjust.
Up to 1 year-old
Reactions:
Crying
Clinging
Being irritable
How to help:
Be consistent and patient with your child
2-5 years-old
Reactions:
Behaving younger than they are
Complaining of mysterious pains and being in distress
Being aggressive, defiant, argumentative, attention-seeking
Being clingy, possessive
Poor sleeping
Blaming themselves and worrying about being abandoned or sent away
How to help:
Try to make your child feel more secure by maintaining routines
If you’re the main carer, try not to be away for long periods
Reassure your child that the split is nothing to do with anything they’ve done and that both their parents still love them
Talk to their nursery or school
5-8 years-old
Reactions:
Feeling lost, rejected, guilty
Feeling disloyal to the parent they aren’t currently with
Behaving younger than they are
Crying
Being sensible and appearing to cope well
Thinking it’s their fault
How to help:
Explain the reasons for any changes to your child’s life
Avoid being angry
Reassure them that they’re loved, it’s not their fault and that it’s OK to be upset
Talk to their school
If you are in a relationship that is abusive or there is coercive control, you may be feeling frightened. Please get in touch with Refuge on 0808 2000 247 or you can talk to them online.
https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-family-life-and-parenting/family-counselling